5 Reasons Why Cristiano Ronaldo Will Return To Manchester United This Summer

Cristiano Ronaldo Manchester United

I’ll save you the Google search, it’s Kleberson.

Dear Madrid Fans,

When You boo me at home, it makes me sad. I work so hard for the team, not like that Gareth guy who never passes the ball. You should boo him more. I’m way better looking than that guy. Anyway, I’ve decided to return to Manchester United this summer. I will no longer speak to the media for the rest of the season, because I have made up my mind and my decision is final. Here are the 5 reasons why I will be returning to Manchester United this summer.

1) Did I mention that the Gareth guy never passes the ball? It drives me mad. I should be the highest paid player in the world, and he should stop shooting all the time!

Ronaldo mad

Yes that’s an old kit, but you get the point

2) My girlfriend left me for The Rock, so I’ve decided to take this show on the road. Have you SEEN some of the women in Manchester? Nothing compared to Madrid.

The Rock and Ronaldo's girlfriend

She left me because he’s apparently quite the cook, he’s always asking if you can smell the meals that he prepares.


3) Now that I’m single, I need a new wing man. I hear the new Manchester United manager has quite a way with the ladies.

Van Gaal Butthead

“Ronaldo will play wing. And then center mid. And then right back. And then mid again. And then maybe goalkeeper.”

4) Manchester United have offered me a contract which will pay me £600,000 per week.

Well, not yet. But they will. If they are paying Falcao £346,000 per week for only 4 goals so far this season, according to my super agent. They will definitely give me more than that.

Weather in England

5) I miss the weather in England. It’s always sunny and beautiful here in Madrid, and I’ve become too tan. Plus, I’ll never win another Ballon d’Or here in Spain with Messi scoring hat tricks every week.

I have enjoyed my time here in Madrid, but I must return to where it all started. Farewll, Madridistas. I will see you in the Champions League next season.








If You’re Reading This, You Could Probably Have Scored vs Real Madrid Today

It’s been known for some time now that (Saint) Iker Casillas might be past his prime. He had a shaky Champions’ League final against Atletico Madrid last year, a less-than-stellar World Cup, and hasn’t exactly been convincing as Carlos Ancelotti’s number one all season. But after watching some of the goals that he gave up today- it pains me to say this as a Manchester United fan- but boy are the Madridistas going to love them some David De Gea next season.

It doesn’t make much sense. Iker Casillas is only 33 years old which, in goalkeeper years, is the equivalent of Brad Pitt during the Fight Club years.

Do You Even Lift, Bro?

Do You Even Lift, Bro?

Dude should be a stud.

He should be like Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game, schooling old “I’ve been incarcerated, son” Denzel Washington in that last one on one game to send his grilled cheese-ironing, Jordan XIII wearing self back to prison.

Denzel Washington Jordan XII

Do You Have These in TF?

Instead of progressing with age like so many American goalkeepers have over the years (isn’t Brad Friedel still playing, somehow?), the once untouchable Madrid shot stopper who has won ___________ (insert award here, and I’m not kidding) seems destined for a move to QPR next season.

Here are the video highlights via ESPN FC.

Schalke goal number 1- not strong enough to keep it out of the back of the net, despite the shot being RIGHT at him. Just worth noting- the goal scorer, Christian Fuchs, is listed as a defender.

Schalke goal number 2- Max Meyer is supposed to be a World-Class talent, but to give up a rebound on his shot, and then to put the rebound into the middle of your box?

Yeah. My Bad.

Yeah. My Bad.

Schalke goal number 3- 57th minute – great shot, not much he could do. Khedira didn’t close down quick enough, but watch Ronaldo as well. Not sure if he could have closed down the angle quicker than that, but either way, Real Madrid’s back line and CDM was pretty bad.

Schalke goal number 4- Huntelaar the hunter, at his finest.


Is Ancelotti going to make a goalkeeper change so late in the season, especially one that (already very pi$$ed off) fans would likely not approve of? I doubt it. He better hope that Khedira gets match fit and does a better job protecting his back line over the next few weeks, because if Casillas ends up being that exposed in an AWAY Champions League match (lol @ this being at home), they’re in trouble.